Although the work of the Centre has grown, our core objective, helping men to stop abusing women and children remains our primary focus. In doing so we provide clients with simple, easy to understand guides to help them become aware of their behaviour.
One such guide is the following checklist, drawn up from years of working with abusive men.
VIOLENT, ABUSIVE AND
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR CHECKLIST. We ask our clients to check each type of abuse you have used in your regular
contact with your partner/victim. Using the procedure detailed in the Time Out
document you should maintain a daily diary which analyses your abusive
behaviour. If you think that you are not being abusive in any of the ways
described below, then you should use your daily diary time to analyse previous
episodes of abuse. Although there will not be time to go through your diary
entries in the group programme, you will be asked to present it occasionally so
that we can help you with the process of understanding your behaviour. It is
important to know that this list is not intended to be exhaustive. You may be
using other forms of abuse which are not included here. If so, add them to the
list and inform the Centre staff. This will help us to help you and increase
our effectiveness with other men. PHYSICAL ABUSE. Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push,
restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite, rape, use of force, threats or coercion to
obtain sex. Use of weapons, throwing things,
keeping weapons around which frighten her.Abuse of furniture, pets, destroying
her possessions, tearing or spoiling her clothing. uninvited touching, covering
her mouth to stop her talking. Threats of violence, verbal or
non-verbal, direct or indirect, self-inflicted injury eg. hitting your head on
walls or threatening suicide.Intimidation eg. standing in doorway
during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of your size to
intimidate, standing over her, driving recklessly. VERBAL ABUSE Criticism, name calling, swearing,
mocking, put downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, humiliating. Angrily waking
her up from sleep. FINANCIAL ABUSE Economic harassment, getting angry with her about 'where the money goes',
not allowing access to money, the car or other resources, sabotaging her
attempts to work, believing you are the provider and thinking that she could
not survive without you, saying that the money you earn is yours. EMOTIONAL ABUSE Pressure tactics, rushing her to make
decisions, hurry up, walking in front of her, using guilt, sulking, threats of
withholding financial support, manipulating the kids.Using pornography, including home
videos, against her wishes. It has to be said that many of these behaviours when taken in isolation amount to control rather than abuse. The context of the behaviour is crucial in determining whether or not it is abusive
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE.
Harassment, eg. uninvited visits or
calls, following her, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not
leaving when asked.
Isolation, preventing or making it hard
for her to see or talk to friends or relatives and others. Making derogatory
comments about her friends.
Yelling, swearing, being coarse,
raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures.
Interrupting, changing subjects, not
listening or responding, picking up the paper when she wants to talk, twisting
her words, topic stringing.Claiming the truth, being the
authority. Claiming the right to define what is logical, rational, reasonable
or fair in the relationship. Calling her stupid or otherwise defining her
behaviour as illogical, unreasonable irrational etc. Logic chopping, lying,
withholding information about your activities, infidelity.
Not helping with child care or
housework, saying that you have already done a days work. Not keeping to
agreements. Abusing your power over the children, either emotionally or
physically.
Feeling stressed and tense and using
this to get into a frame of mind when you blame her for everything which goes
wrong:- things you can't find, mess etc. This is usually a prelude to a violent
attack and you should pay particular attention to this so that you can stop
before you reach flash point.
Emotional withholding, not expressing
your feelings or giving support, thinking your problems are more important than
hers, not giving attention or compliments, not respecting her feelings, rights
or opinions.
Not taking care of yourself and
refusing to learn basic life skills, cooking etc. Abusing drugs, alcohol, not
eating properly, not making friends and seeking help and support from them.
Believing you have the right to define appropriate wifely and motherly
behaviour and not offering your expectations to negotiation. Criticising her
motherly qualities or performance. Accusing her of neglecting the children or
using threats of taking the kids away etc.
Telling her that if she doesn't like it
she knows what she can do, pack, leave etc. Not acknowledging that the
relationship is important to you, telling her that you don't need her or love
her etc.
The Centre began with a simple objective, to stop men from abusing women, and we have gained a vast amount of experience during the last twenty years. The opportunity we have had to work with large numbers of men has enabled us to gain insight into me's problems which is not afforded many practitioners.
Consultation Services.
The co-ordinator of the Centre, Adam Jukes is recognised as one of the world's leading clinical researchers on men's abuse of women. He has published widely in academic journals and teaches on many forensic psychotherapy training programmes on issues concerned with men's abuse of women and children. He is a regular contributor to conferences on men's violence and abusiveness to women and children.
His books include:-
Why Men Hate Women
Men Who Batter Women
Men and Masculinity - The Psychodynamics of Ordinary Deviance [2007]
Adam is available to design and conduct training and intervention programmes for any institution or authority wishing to address abusive, violent and bullying behaviours.